The Moment I Knew
by Oliviet
Summary: It's nearly 2:30 AM when he gets the call. His phone hasn't gone off this late since he worked SVU. When he answers, he's greeted by Fin's voice and he's overcome by an eerie sense of déjà vu. Post ep for the season 14 finale.


_You should've been there,  
Should've burst through the door,  
With that 'baby I'm right here' smile,  
I've got my eye on the door,  
Just waiting for you to walk in,  
But the time is ticking,  
People ask me how I've been  
As I comb back through my memory,  
How you said you'd be here,  
You said you'd be here._

* * *

It's nearly 2:30 AM when he gets the call. His phone hasn't gone off this late since he worked SVU. When he answers, he's greeted by Fin's voice and he's overcome by an eerie sense of déjà vu.

"I'm sorry to call so late, but it's about Olivia."

His heart clenches. Whatever this is, it can't be good.

"What's wrong?"

"Elliot, Olivia was found dead in her apartment about an hour ago."

The room starts to spin and his hands clench into fists. No. No, this wasn't real. This was a dream of some sort. A nightmare.

"How?" he grits out.

Fin sighs and Elliot hears him shuffling around on the other end like he's debating how much to reveal.

"We were after this serial rapist," he starts.

No.

"The judge ruled it a mistrial."

_No._

"The guy really had a thing for Liv the whole time. He got off on describing his crimes to her."

NO.

"We can't be sure yet, but it fits his MO."

"What's his MO?"

"You don't want to know, trust me."

"Tell me or I'll go down to Warner's office and see for myself."

"He gets off on torture, Elliot. Don't make me go into detail."

He can't breathe. He can't think. All he sees and feels is rage. He doesn't realize he's punched a hole in the living room wall until he looks down at his hands and sees the blood staining his knuckles. He can faintly hear Fin asking if things are okay. He's faintly aware of Kathy yelling at him about the hole. It's all too much and he breaks.

* * *

They get the bastard. And they get him good. Somehow this new guy, Barba or whatever, weasels confessions out of people from the perp's previous crimes and he gets sent away for life. But it's not enough. It'll never be enough. Olivia is dead. _Dead_. And he can't help thinking that it's all his fault. He shouldn't have left her. He shouldn't have trusted her back…or her backside…with anyone else.

"_I'm your partner for better or for worse."_

He punches the bag until his vision blurs with tears and the blood seeps through the bandages on his knuckles. He steadies the bag and tries to breathe. He'd meant it, those words. Every last damn one of them. He'd covered for her ass during the Simon thing. He chose her life over that little boy's. He'd _protected _her.

"_Blink your lights when you get inside."_

"_You're just gonna sit here all night until I do, aren't you, you stubborn son-of-a-bitch?"_

"_Yes, I am." _

It'd started because she'd had a stalker. But even after the guy was caught, he wouldn't let her stop doing it. Olivia Benson could take care of herself. That much he knew. But being cornered off guard with a gun by an overpowering rapist/murderer who had a vendetta against her? The woman didn't have superpowers.

So when he left her who was supposed to make sure she got home okay? Her new partner, as nice as he was, wasn't driving her home every night. And he certainly didn't drive 30 minutes out of his way when Olivia drove herself home just to see her blink her lights. And she did just about every night for 12 years because she _knew_ that even when he was pissed at her, he'd sit out there like the stubborn son-of-a-bitch he was and make sure that she was okay. He remembers that first case after Oregon, after he'd taken her home after offering her his kidney. She'd blinked her lights for him and he had never felt more relieved to see that happen.

But he hadn't been there for two years. Olivia's an adult woman who can handle her own for Christ's sake. He shouldn't need to be there. But if he had been and he hadn't seen those lights go on and off, she would still be alive. He lost her. This time he's really lost her.

* * *

The funeral is larger than he anticipated. The squad, a few more members of the Force, Barba, Novak, Cabot, Cassidy – what the hell is he doing here – Simon, Warner, Huang, and a few others whose lives she's touched over the years. He sees the girl she pulled out of the ground after spending hours on the 911 line with. She's a teenager now. He sees the girl she went undercover in that prison for, the rape victim who swore she never wanted to be touched again standing with a husband and two kids, the boy she risked her life to save. 12 years of his life flash before his eyes as he tries to remember their cases and blames the ones he can't place on his two year absence. Olivia has touched so many lives, helped so many people, and he just can't believe that she's gone.

The funeral is open casket. She may have been tortured, but the bastard avoided her face. Elliot stares at her. Her hair is still that long length that he loved on her the instant she started growing it out. There are two necklaces still around her neck: her fearlessness pendant she had always been so damn proud of and his St. Christopher medal he'd cowardly sent her in the mail instead of just giving it to her himself.

It made him feel even worse. He should have been there. How many times had she told him that he was all she had? That he was the longest relationship she'd ever had? He left because he was scared of what the job and done to him what _she'd _done to him. He was married with five kids, but he was in love with _her_. So he ran. And now because he hadn't been there, she was dead. Raped, and tortured, and murdered because he didn't have the balls to stay with her and still be faithful to his wife.

He chances a glance back at Kathy and his kids. Kathleen is crying. Olivia had helped her too with the bipolar disorder. And Eli? She'd delivered him. She was his son's godmother, something which Kathy had been less than thrilled about, but she had saved both of their lives so she gave Olivia her blessing.

Casey and Alex sidle up next to him.

"If I'd had this case, I would have gotten the bastard before he ever got to her," Casey mutters under breath, shaking her head.

"I don't doubt that," Elliot tells her. "Same goes for you, Alex."

"Please, Elliot, I don't need to feel anymore guilty about this than I already do," Alex tells him.

"I'm the one who told her to go home," Cragen joins in, walking up to them. "But this is none of our faults. There's nothing we could have done."

"How can you say that?" Elliot asks, incredulously.

"Because if you keep dwelling on the what ifs, you'll turn into an alcoholic. Trust me. I would know."

He's never going to be over this, over her, over his partner. If he didn't have his family to worry about he might have just turned into an alcoholic to erase the pain.

The priest is getting ready to start the sermon and motions for people take their seats. Elliot turns to her casket again.

"You know, I'd give you my kidney if I thought it would help."

* * *

"At this time, I'd like to welcome anyone wants to say a few words to come up and speak."

A few of the victims stand up and speak about how Olivia had saved their lives. Simon says something about her being a good sister who inspired him to be better. Cassidy, who apparently she's been sleeping with, not okay, says a few nice words about her character. Amaro speaks about her being a good partner and that sets Elliot off a little bit because Olivia Benson will always be _his _partner. After Cragen says something about her being like a daughter to him, Elliot stands up and makes his way to the front.

"Olivia Benson was my partner for 12 years. But you all know that. You know how wonderful a person she was and how big her heart was and that all she ever really wanted to do was help people. But you might not know how badly she wanted to be a mother. She was just great with kids. A part of me thinks she wanted it so badly to make up for how terrible a mother hers was to her. Or maybe she just wanted a kid because she felt like she had no one. But look around. She had all of us. And while it just kills me that she'll never get to be a mother, I really hope that she knew that she had us."

He pauses taking a deep breath.

"I left her two years ago, by which I mean I stopped being her partner. I couldn't handle SVU anymore even though that saint of a woman could. I can't even remember the last words I said to her because I haven't spoken with her since I left. It was probably something along the lines of see you later because I had every intention of coming back the next day. But I didn't. And I'm really kicking myself for losing touch with her beyond the occasional casual e-mail. Liv meant a lot to me as I'm sure each and every one of you knows. My life won't be the same without her in it, and neither will the NYPD."

* * *

It's been a year since she died and Elliot still goes to her grave every month and talks to her. He claims he's making up for lost time, but truthfully he's trying to hide from his still failing marriage. Losing her is his biggest regret and he continues to tell her that constantly. When he tells her that he misses her, he pictures her standing there next to him, arms crossed over her chest, shaking her head at him saying "suck it up, Stabler, you survived all of your gunshot wounds" just because he misses their banter so damn much.

Everyone else has long since stopped visiting her grave. At least that's what he assumes when he comes back every month to only find the flowers he left the last time. He thinks that maybe one day he'll be able to move on and let her rest her in peace. But who is he kidding? Who else would put up with her?

* * *

AN: Mariska's recent tweets have calmed me a bit and I no longer fear that Olivia's going to die. But I was feeling some things after that finale (and the Nashville finale oye) and felt this needed to be written. Don't feel bad if you cried, because I cried writing it, but don't feel bad if you didn't. This will probably be the last thing I write for this fandom (but don't hold me to that). It's been a wonderful ride with all of you and I wish you the best. ~Emily


End file.
